Today I decided that I needed to look back and reflect on my life and what I have become. So many times in our lives we do the same thing- day after day- month after month- year after year....Why do we do this? How can we let life become so mundane? These are the questions I came here to ponder and to reflect upon. There are so many things I would like to do...finding the time to do them is the other problem. We are only lucky enough to get 24 hours in a day and unfortunately when you have young kids they would like to have your attention for 25 of those.
Today I am going to make a promise to myself that I will update this blog at least once a week, look back and reflect on my feelings, and change....to be that person I know I am inside and out.
I guess I should start by explain who I am- I mean if you are going to read my blog- might as well know why I am here. My dad was in the military so I grew up, well, everywhere. I lived on the Pacific, the Atlantic, and many places in between. I called Colorado home because that was the one place I always knew I could go back to- no matter what.
When I was in college the first time, I felt that I needed to be the "party girl" and did whatever I felt like doing, when I felt like doing it. Needless to say my grades were not the best- but I did make it through enough to graduate with my assoicate's degree. Then life happened. By life I mean I did what I was supposed to do- got married, had kids, and settled down. I become comfortable- or I guess you could say boring.
I sunk into a deep depression that I let no one know about because I always had a smile on my face. I gained weight, I didn't really care anymore. I gave up on me. This is something that is hard for me to say. I was always the strong one- and to this day I really believe that no one knows this about me. This is not something I am proud of, but I understand now that it was a needed part in my life to really find out who I am.
I still do not feel 100% at this time and I know that it is a long road to recovery. But I understand more who I am now and it has been 5 years so far and I still feel it is a long process that I need to go through before I can feel 'whole' once again. I went back to school in 2005- I received my Bachelors degree in 2007. After that I wanted to prove to myself that I could complete my Master's degree and I completed my degree this year.
Some days I have happy thoughts and other days- not so happy. I will make the commitment to myself to document how I feel, what I want to do, and how I plan on getting there. I may know all the answers to the questions one day and other days I may just be able to reflect- but I am going to figure everything out...one day at a time...one question at a time...
